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Modern Dating Musings: Money Over Love…(For Now)
I’m a firstborn — only girl. My parents are perfectionists and raised me believing that my value was directly linked to what I accomplished or how well I performed. As a result, I suffered from high-functioning anxiety and sometimes still struggle with this. The desire to drive myself to achieve more rarely left me.
When my anxiety became too overwhelming, I went to therapy. I wanted a softer life and not the feeling of constantly beating myself up for what I could have done for the day. If I had only focused on this more, than that. If I had not spent that money. Even when I laid down to rest, I was plagued with a sense of guilt that I should push myself to do one more thing to bring me closer to my goals instead of being “lazy” by taking a break and resting.
I would make impossibly long and overly ambitious to-do lists and then scold myself for not completing everything. I was in a pervasive state of mental exhaustion from the drive to achieve.
After the dissolution of my marriage, my drive to achieve came from a desire to achieve a particular lifestyle. After all, it’s one thing to say you don’t have something or haven’t achieved something because of external factors, but when those same factors are removed, and you still aren’t where you want to be, where do you place the blame?
